In Matthew’s bedroom, tucking him into bed.
Matthew: MaMa, today in school Ethan used a pencil to poke my eye. It (pointing to his eye) became swollen for a while.
Me: What?! Did you tell the Teacher? Did you tell him he cannot do that?
Matthew (shook his head): I didn’t tell Teacher. I also didn’t tell him. But I told my friends.
Me (getting frustrated): Matthew, why did you tell your friends but not tell Teacher or Ethan what he did was very wrong? Do you know it’s very dangerous to let your friends do that to you? I have a friend who became blind in 1 eye because a pen poked his eye (out), and he could not do a lot of things for the rest of his life, like driving and play sports. (Sorry M for playing up your limitations, wanted to bring across the severity of the point)
Matthew looked at me with his usual blank, nonchalent face.
Me (getting really frustrated): Can you please take care of yourself? Know what’s happening around you, and if you see your friends coming towards you holding pencils dangerously, can you get ready to block, or run away?
Matthew: Run away from school? (Uncontrolled giggles escaped from his lips)
Me (all hell broke loose): Matthew, if you don’t take care of yourself and accidents happen to you, I will NEVER, EVER, FORGIVE YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!
Holding Megan’s hand, I stomped out of Matthew’s room and into Megan’s bedroom.
Once there, I could no longer hold back the tears welling in my eyes. The tears fell uncontrollably down my face, synchronous with the ache in my heart. Having my heart broken again in the same day, ironically Valentine’s Day, was more than I could bear.
Megan stared intently at my face, her mouth turning downward to mirror my sadness. She held out her little arms, hugged my neck and held me tightly against her body. I cried even more, all the while saying sorry for wetting her pyjamas. When I extracted her arms gently to reach for a piece of tissue paper, she fingered the collar of her wet pyjamas top with a questioning look. I smiled a weak smile at her, struck by her surprise.
I sat at the edge of her bed, and continued my crying. I couldn’t seem to stop; the tears of sadness and heartbreak are so damn difficult to stop! Megan sat up too, scooted her body beside mine and put her arm around my waist and again, held me tightly against her. We just sat there, me crying and she silently showing her love and support. The sweetest gesture made me cry harder for a while, but eventually I calmed down and stopped altogether in front of her.
Is this how it’s going to be? More and more heartbreaks? This is the road I have already embarked on, so there is never going to be a point of return?
Do I take heart and count my blessings that I have 2 children, so if one breaks my heart hopefully the other will soothe it? Seems like there might be a little silver lining somewhere…
Megan popped her head into my room after hearing me emerge from the bathroom. Cheerfully, she asked “MaMa, are you still crying?” When I said “no”, she ran into the room saying “I want to give you another hug” and did, and my unhappiness subsided a little.
When she went back to her room, Matthew appeared (finally!) in front of me. “Sorry, MaMa”, he said in a little voice. “Do you know what you’re sorry about, Matthew?”
“Sorry for talking nonsense”, came his reply. Tears coursed down my face (again?! Gosh, something’s wrong with my tear ducts), and Matthew, seeing my sadness, started to tear immediately and cry too.
In the end, I had to console him and dry his tears before sending him back to his room. The cheek of the heartbreaker, sigh…
What a heavy night. And as I know it now, more is in store…