Year End Melancholy

Time really flies. A year ago, I was pregnant with Megan, glowing with excitement and basking in the moment, not giving a thought over the future and what it would bring.

A year later, Megan is going on 9 months old, and I am shrouded in darkness, not knowing what the future will bring. If I could draw a clear, firm line dividing family and my personal life, I have 2 different stories to tell.

On the family side of the line, I am not yet 30 years old and a mother of 2 kids. I have strong family ties and support in the upbringing of my kids. I have family members who love me dearly, and whom I love and treasure too. The Man and I have spent the last 12 years together; we practically went from teenagers to adults to now. We went from a piece of bread and a bottle of milk each for our dinner dates (cheaper than hawker food plus drinks!) to a small roof above our heads, a small car, and 2 mischievous bundles of joy.

On the personal front, however, I’m in a mess. 30 is beckoning at me round the corner, and I’m still at the crossroads between insanity and sanity. The pot of events and emotions has been stirred far too often lately; everything has become muddled, tangled and painful to touch.

Before, things around me have a rosy tint; everything seemed to be going along fine. I was at peace with myself; I thought I had clear goals I wanted to work towards.

Now, things are not so clear anymore. Doubt has extended it’s cruel tendrils around my heart, constricting it slowly but surely. My mind is no longer communicating with my heart; the bridge of peace has been bombed away. I was thrown off balance. Now I’m shuttling between the worlds of maniacal laughter and outburst of anger; whichever that doesn’t fit the current situation.

I had 2 goals that hinged on each other’s success. Now both goals seem to have slipped past within my reach to land further up the treacherous path called life. For someone who treasures stability and peace, this is the ardous task Somebody Up There has set for me; to find peace and balance again in the new equilibrium called growing up.

I’m slowly finding it difficult to breathe; I feel stiffled by life itself. I try to find peace, but the harder I try, the more unsettled I become. Managing my emotions is my task for the time being; I need to find solid ground to plant my feet again. And to find the courage within myself to accept these new challenges ahead. Only time will tell if I succeed or not…


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