Three years ago, though I was already an adult for many years, I was wilful, stubborn and bad-tempered. I suffered the consequences of my self-righteousness and was made terribly unhappy by the behaviour of some of my co-workers. Not to mention I had very little self-confidence.
Then came the decision to have a baby. I felt I was mentally ready to become a mother, to bear the responsibility of bringing an innocent child to this world.
Matthew was born and I had help to take care of him. The responsibility of being a mother didn’t really kick in. However, circumstances changed, but being the wilful and self-righteous person that I was, I couldn’t get over the unhappiness. I cried bitterly, let my thoughts run wild, threw tantrums, suffered from insomnia and for many nights laid motionless on my bed, watching the moon set.
With support from the Man and my family, I recovered, and gradually forgot about the unhappiness. I found myself growing in confidence, through the knowledge that I was now a mother of one.
However I was still self-righteous and wilful. I brought home unhappiness at work, and made matters worse. Family members put up with my nonsense, and the Man and I squabbled alot. I reflected on my behaviour, and finally changed jobs again. Matthew turned 1 year old then.
I mellowed, and focused my energies on my work, family and Matthew. I realised I had been uptight over insignificant things in the past, and let these things go. I started learning more about myself, my strengths as well as my weaknesses, through Matthew.
I wanted another child and thought I could, with the support from my mum, handle 2 children. I had an exhausting pregnancy, with Matthew becoming stickier to me, and my weak constitution. Again, my family played a big part in bearing most of the burden of taking care of Matthew.
Megan was born, and I realised had I not been so uptight after Matthew’s birth, the confinement was actually not as tiring, and scary as I made it to be. The second confinement, in comparison, was more bearable and relaxing. I was more involved in taking care of Megan, with alot of help from my mum, who took care of me, Matthew as well as Megan.
After the confinement, I took over more of the responsibilities involved in taking care of Matthew. Matthew turns two and his Terrible Two nonsense gets worse by the day. My blood pressure goes up and down several times a day. My moods swings from happiness to frustration to anger back to happiness all day long. In the process I also learn from my kids.
I learn to predict what my son is going to do the next moment; though I cannot stop being angry when he misbehaves.
I learn to set aside more time for Matthew, for he is forever distracted and cannot focus enough to get things done fast.
I learn to be patient, when Megan cries and Matthew drops whatever he is doing and demands attention at exactly the same moment. I used to think I am a patient person, but the truth is far from perception.
I learn the easiest way to be happy is to see a smile break on either Matthew’s or Megan’s face.
I learn to let alot of things go, to do more and complain less. I acknowledge my weaknesses and feel my self-confidence increase.
Of course, I’m not the wonder mum nor am I capable. The wonder mum award goes to my mum no doubt for she is the pillar of strength. Nevertheless, subtle positive changes have been made and I’m glad for them.
I quote the Man: “You were just a woman with 1 kid last time. Now you are a mother of 2.”
Thanks alot kids, Mummy looks forward to learning more from the two of you…