A little hand waves vigourously in front of my face. “I dun wan MaMa”, “I dun wan MaMa”, “I dun wan MaMa!”
Not a day goes by peacefully, without a battle. Numerous battles of will, two years old against twenty nine years old, for the spoils of war: anything from meals, drinking water, bath time, medicine, toys to bedtime.
I’m not Matthew’s favourite person at the moment (have I ever been?), despite all that I have done for him. One moment he can be cordial, even sweet and obedient. The next moment, the inner monster unleashes the screams, tantrums and tears onto me.
Whenever I’m down in the pits with despair that my son doesn’t love me, I’m reminded of my own behaviour some twenty plus years ago.
Then, my Mummy was working full time and I was taken care of by my auntie. After work, she would take 2 buses from her workplace to fetch me home from my auntie’s place. After enduring an exhausting day at work and the long bus journeys, she arrived at my auntie’s place weary but looking forward to seeing her elder daughter.
But what did this heartless daughter say to her at the door? “I don’t want to go home with this auntie.” I would then insist on staying with my auntie (whom I called Mum) and not go home with my real mum. My Mummy had no choice but to leave for home. Yet another wasted trip.
I didn’t fully realise how much I must have broken my Mummy’s heart by my behaviour until I became a mother myself. With Matthew behaving the way he does towards me now, I am feeling the heartache I have caused my own mother so many years ago.
Retribution. It never lets me get away with things I have done in the past. My only glimmer of hope for the future is that by the time I turned seven years old, my Mummy became the most important person in my life for many years to come. I hope my children will love me as much as I love my Mummy. She is still one of the most important person in my life and I thank her for the years of patience with this wayward daughter of hers.
Mummy, if you are reading this, I want to wish you a very happy and blissful Mother’s (and Grandmother’s) Day every single day. I’m sorry I cannot be there always for you, I hope you understand. Words cannot express my gratitude and fortune to have you as my Mummy. You’re irreplaceable, ever.