I’m so Blue, I’m Turning Violet

I’m getting terrified of that chemical family called hormones. These molecules released from the endocrine glands somewhere remote in my body are having a bigger-then-life effect on my mental state.

Something said to me last night promptly resulted in a loss of control – of my hand muscles (thank goodness not the bladder) and I dropped the coins I was holding. Attempting to retrieve the coins was the last physical thing I did voluntarily.

The next moment, I could literally feel a tidal wave of gloom wash over my entire body, from the roots of my hair right down to my toenails. It felt like I’ve been passed the death sentence, from inside my body.

Tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I was speechless, paralysed by the misery. The lights have been switched off in the tunnel; I was plunged into total darkness. I did not speak voluntarily for the next 18 hours.

Things did not get better when I woke up this morning. I remembered the death sentence from last night. I felt depressed, frustrated, helpless. I could not summon any positive energy. I did not want to do anything at all. I just wanted to crawl back to bed and hide under the covers for good.

I look normal, but I feel hollow inside. There is this paralysing, numbing feeling in my mind my conscious self is trying to lift to little effect. I don’t feel like talking, socialising, making eye contact with anybody, make any decisions nor do anything. Soon, a leave-me-alone neon sign will be up on my forehead to keep people away.

This feels like the start of depression… I need. To. Get. Out.

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